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“WHY” I Woke Up with a Heavy Heart This Morning

Posted by on Nov 12, 2016 in Blog, Divorce Recovery | Comments Off on “WHY” I Woke Up with a Heavy Heart This Morning

“WHY” I Woke Up with a Heavy Heart This Morning

why-i-woke-up-with-a-heavy-heart-this-morningHave you ever awakened feeling that something heavy is on your heart? You know that feeling when something isn’t quite right, or that you have something to do that you didn’t do yet, or a big job or a big assignment you have to finish?

That’s how I felt as soon as my eyes opened this morning. The feeling immediately reminded me of Billy Holiday’s song, “Good Morning Heartache

Good morning, heartache, you ole gloomy sight
Good morning, heartache, thought we’d said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seemed you had gone
But here you are with the dawn

“Heartache” isn’t exactly the feeling, but a profound sense of calling or mission was. That feeling must have come to me the night before, quietly settled in my gut, and waited for me to notice it this morning.

More than 3 years ago, I went through a divorce. I had been married for 18 years. We had four children together. I moved out of a lovely five bedroom home in a nice neighborhood and into a two bedroom apartment where my four children lived with me part-time. The long days living in that apartment invited me to self-reflection. Self-reflection led to action. I held a seminar that encouraged divorced women that they were not alone through their divorce. Later, the action led to interviews with divorced women about how they got through their setback and moved on. The more I interviewed, the deeper I became in this work of bouncing back after divorce. This wasn’t a planned entrée. I could think of a ton of other concerns of life to get into. Not this one! But bouncing back after divorce kept calling me. People kept talking to me about it. Women wanted to know how I got through my divorce. Friends called and asked me to talk to their loved one. I couldn’t run fast enough away from the calling. So, I allowed calling to lead me until I had to stop and ask: “WHY” am I being led by this calling?

The question of WHY came a few days ago. The question came during the same time I was second-guessing my impact on the lives of women. In other words, the question WHY came when I was ready to quit and go do something else.

Quitting comes easily for the person who hasn’t clearly defined her WHY. I had not been able to clearly define my WHY although I could make up some default words about it, like: “happiness”, “peace”, “joy”, “success”, “health”. But those words weren’t satisfying my soul and quitting was still an option.

In his book, “Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action“, Simon Sinek talks about the golden circle: WHY | HOW | WHAT. Simon says everyone on the planet knows WHAT they do. Some know HOW they do what they do. But, very few know WHY they do what they do. By WHY he means what’s your purpose, your cause, the reason you (or your company or business) exists. Why do you get out of bed in the morning and why should anyone care?

Simone says that the inspired leaders and inspired organizations – regardless of size – all act and think from their WHY.imgres

WHY do I do the work I do?

Why do I speak about divorce (instead of doing “real” work as one bitter person said to me)?

Why do I coach women about divorce (instead of doing traditional work for which I’m better qualified as the same bitter person said to me)?

Why did I write a book about resilience (instead of keeping my business private as the same bitter person said to me)?

A colleague saw my Facebook posting about quitting the work I am doing. She called and pressed me to think about my WHY…to get very clear about it. Why would she press me?

Because your WHY will keep you going when you want to quit. Your WHY has to be so big that no bitter person’s comments or complaints can stop you. Your WHY has to be so moving that you can’t sleep unless you fulfill on it in some manner every day. Your WHY drives you, wrestles you out of the comfort of your bed, pushes you to exercise, compels you to turn down that second piece of pizza, annoys you until you apologize to a loved one even when you believe you did nothing wrong, inspires you to stop drinking.

After thinking, meditating, and listening to several motivational videos, I re-read Simon Sinek’s book and went through the steps to get clear about my WHY.  And then it came to me. WHAT I do is speak, write, and coach about resilience after divorce. I speak, write, and coach because I know how. I transferred these skills from years in corporate America to use in divorce recovery.

That makes sense, right?

However, my WHY (and all WHY’s) isn’t based on what makes “sense”, it’s based on emotions and emotions drive us. More specifically, it’s based on belief.

I believe every divorced woman is ENTITLED to a resilient life. I am called to hold up a lantern and lead her through the dark tunnel and into the resilient life that awaits her.

believing-oneself-to-be-inherently-deserving-of-privileges-or-special-treatment

WHY I woke up with a heavy heart this morning is because my belief needed to be recognized and acknowledged. It could no longer be taken lightly. It demanded that I share it with the world…no matter if the world is ready for it or not.

What’s your WHY? Do you know it? If you don’t know, it’s time to follow the clues your WHY has been leaving for you. Uncover it. When you do, you will be UNSTOPPABLE in the face of any challenge, difficulty, or naysayers.

What Likely Was Missing From Your Divorce Settlement

Posted by on Nov 11, 2016 in Blog, Fulfillment | Comments Off on What Likely Was Missing From Your Divorce Settlement

What Likely Was Missing From Your Divorce Settlement

you-are-entitled-to-a-resilient-life-after-divorceWhether you are contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or have been divorced (recently or not so recently), likely there is or was something missing from your divorce settlement: YOU ARE ENTITLED TO A RESILIENT LIFE AFTER DIVORCE! Yes, you are entitled.

 

Entitled means:

believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

The best part of this definition is the word “believing” which suggests CHOICE. You have a choice to believe you are entitled (just like you have a choice to believe you are NOT entitled) to a resilient life.

It’s up to you.

Do you want a resilient life or would you like to blame and stay in pain? Resilient women have a high EQ (or emotional intelligence). A high EQ is directly correlated with happier and healthier relationships in work and in life, compared to those with a low EQ.

What is a resilient life?

A resilient life is free from the old story of what went wrong in your marriage (and what a bad person your ex is), to a new story.  That new story is how divorce opened the door for you to define happiness and success on your own terms.  A resilient life is one where you are in charge of making decisions about who you are, who you want to be, where you want success, who you want to love, how much money you want to make, and the new relationships you must form (and close) to keep moving forward.

My message to you is friendly, inspirational, and practical: to convince you that you are entitled (aka, good enough) to be resilient! 

I speak, write, and coach about resilience after divorce. That’s my passion. I am a resilient woman now and that’s by choice.

7 Critical Mistakes Divorced Women Make and How to Eliminate Them

Posted by on Aug 26, 2016 in Blog, Confidence, Divorce Recovery, Fulfillment, Stress | 2 comments

7 Critical Mistakes Divorced Women Make and How to Eliminate Them

Stop Doing What Doesn't Work

Mistake #7: You Don’t Make a Financial Plan

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” – Benjamin Franklin

The key word in this mistake is “plan”. Divorced women are so busy just making ends meet, working, taking care of their children, parents, and the world that they just don’t (seem) to have time to plan anything, even if it’s for their own good. However, the facts about divorced women and finances should outrage all of us to action.

Here are just two:

  • 27% of recently divorced women had less than $25,000 in annual household income compared with 17% of recently divorced men.
  • 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children.

Eliminate This Mistake With A Shift In Mindset And 1 Action Step

Recognize that YOU have control over your money. Yes, you do! If you weren’t in control while married, you certainly are now that you are divorced. If you feel incompetent, admit that and get advice. It’s better to get advice than to barely make ends meet, especially as you enter your older years. There are many resources to help you make a financial plan. Here is one: National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. Find a financial advisor today. If you already have one and haven’t had a financial review in over a year, call your advisor today. Schedule it into your calendar just as you would a medical or dental appointment for a loved one. For great articles on becoming financially strong and smart, find information and encouragement here: First Wives World

 

Mistake #6: You Go It Alone

Somewhere along the journey of life, you got the message that you had to be Superwoman! What a crazy expectation.

Why?

Because playing Superwoman is not only exhausting, the reward is debilitating: chronic stress! Chronic stress leads to heart attacks, strokes, and cancer, just to name a few. Yet, we keep playing this role and society certainly supports us in it. However, if you go it alone, you work against your basic nature as a woman. A woman’s basic nature is to “tend and befriend”. Meaning, you are hard-wired to protect/look after (tend) and connect with others (befriend), particularly during times of crises and hardship.

Eliminate This Mistake With An Understanding And A Commitment

Understand this: divorce is quite common (fortunately or unfortunately), which means: 1) you are not alone, and 2) other women are wanting to connect with you too. Someone has to make the first move to declare that it’s okay to need one another (befriend). I’ll make that first move here: I NEED YOU DIVORCED WOMEN! I need to hear from you, mingle with you, laugh with you, and go out dancing with you, vacation with you, and drink a glass of wine (or two, or three…hell, the whole bottle!) with you!

There…

Now, commit to connecting with a great group of divorced women who are fun and have learned to take on divorce and make it a blast! Visit www.MeetUp.com or do an internet search of your own.

Mistake #5: You Don’t Plan for Your Happiness NOW

Let’s face it: one day the kids will be gone (if not already). You may retire one day (if not already). You may move again one day. The point is, your circumstances will change but you can be happy wherever you are if you plan it NOW! What I mean by “plan” is to be intentional about doing things that make you FEEL GOOD. If you have forgotten what makes you feel good, discover your feel good zones (What did you like to do before? When you were single? When you were a child?). It is your right to be happy. In fact, being happy in and of itself brings healing at the cellular level. Being unhappy because you don’t intend happiness means you become the sourpuss in the room. You become the ex-spouse badger who sounds like a broken record. And, you burden others to pity your unhappiness.

Bets are that this is not the kind of woman you really want to BE.

So…BE happy…on purpose…NOW!

Eliminate This Mistake With A Good Book

There are many great books on happiness, being happy, finding happiness, thinking happy thoughts, etc. If you just don’t know where to start with planning your happiness, read this great book by bestselling author, Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun.

I don’t know Gretchen Rubin and she sure doesn’t know me. However, I sat in her book tour talk and was inspired by the day-to-day simplicity of happiness that she shared. I bought her book on the spot. One idea she explored was, “Enjoy the fun of failure.” If that makes you bristle, go buy the book…NOW!

“When we change our habits, we change our lives.” – Gretchen Rubin

 

Mistake #4: You Still Blame Your Ex

If every time you open your mouth to speak about your divorce, and the first words that come out are: “He did this or that…” or, “He is such a this or that…” then you are still blaming your ex for this AND that.

I get it…I did too. Our ex-spouse needs so much improvement. Right?!

Blame is a way to discharge pain. By blaming your ex, you are attempting to extricate yourself from the pain of the breakup, disappoint, betrayal, upset, and so on. It’s normal to want to release the pain. However, to blame is temporary relief. That pain will only return after it’s released because there is a rubber band attached to the end of it. Guess who’s holding the end of the rubber band?

Yup! You.

Eliminate This Mistake With A Courageous Move

Put on your Courageous Gear because here comes the move:

Take responsibility for your contribution to a marriage that ended.

(Do I hear you shouting and cursing at me over this move?)

Take responsibility for your contribution. Why? Because when you do, you move through pain and into freedom. Blaming is imprisonment. Imprisonment is self-inflicted. You do it to yourself. Freedom, however, is liberating. Freedom is self-inflicted too. You GIVE it to yourself. When you are free you are empowered.

Think about this: whenever you encounter your ex (in person, by phone, email or text), what emotions run through you? Likely, those emotions are not ones that make you feel good and your actions coincide with these emotions. But, if you cease blaming (I know, he is an ass) and take responsibility (whereby he morphs from ass to asset), then your encounters with your ex will feel to you – at a minimum – neutral (not upset, annoyed, or wanting to jump him in a dark alley). As you take responsibility, your encounters may actually feel empowering.

When you taste the delicious freedom taking responsibility holds, the feelings you experience when you encounter your ex will be yours to choose. You, my Dear, get to select the feelings and thus the encounters as you say.

And, from personal experience I just wanna say “freedom is silky smooth like Godiva chocolate!”

Mistake #3: You Don’t Make Your Health A Priority

I’ll admit it…this is my pet peeve.

I get deeply bothered – heartbroken – by our addiction to putting the needs and wants of others first while ignoring our own. I did this and suffered profoundly. I put the needs and wants of my children and spouse first while ignoring my own during 18 years of marriage. Only in year 17 of my marriage did I change course to prioritize me. This shift was inspired by learning and practicing Transcendental Meditation.

Allow me to share an excerpt from my book, Muddy High Heels: 14 Lessons Learned from My Breakdown, Breakup, and Breakthrough:

I couldn’t stop crying. The more I told myself to stop, the harder I cried. Down- stairs, in the basement of my home, my crying episode erupted unexpectedly and in the worst of company. Panicked, my seven-year-old grabbed the phone and called her father at work: “Mommy is crying and she won’t stop.” My husband calmly instructed my seven-year-old to wait while he called one of my friends. She would know what to do until he got home, and home he would be shortly.

By the time my husband arrived, I had gone upstairs, taken all of the keys to the bathroom door, and locked myself in the powder room. On the small, cold linoleum floor I continued to sob. My body heaved with each teardrop. By then, the children were out of their minds with confusion and despair. They couldn’t understand in their innocence how their mother – the one always in control – was clearly out of control…

That day, I hit “rock bottom.” “Hitting rock bottom” is an idiom that means to reach the lowest possible level or to be in the worst possible situation. Most people are familiar with this idiom as it relates to alcoholics or drug abusers (or other addicts). In this situation, addicts either die or reinvent themselves.

I was an “addict” of sorts. I wasn’t addicted to drugs or substances. I was addicted to putting everyone’s needs first while neglecting my own. Day after day, year after year, this was my ritual. The “high” from the stress of being wife and mother to four children was deleterious. I couldn’t see the toxic build-up of constant stress in my blood stream. Without the relief that self-care would have provided, hitting rock bottom was inevitable, and I didn’t even know it. My daily tasks of giving baths, washing clothes, grocery and Costco-shopping, cooking meals, making, bagging, and packing lunches into backpacks, cleaning the kitchen, driving children to and from school, putting other children on the school bus, driving children to play dates and staying for them, checking and supervising homework, refereeing arguments, changing diapers, picking out school clothes, kissing boo- boos over and over again…reading bedtime stories, and tucking all into bed one by one meant there was no time for ME. I did these tasks seamlessly, while I kept my hair groomed, my clothes clean, my body washed, my teeth brushed, and said “yes” to sex, whether I wanted to or not.

 

Eliminate This Mistake By Celebrating YOU!

Let’s start incrementally because switching from taking care of the needs of others before your own takes practice and intention. For the next 30 days, do 1 thing to celebrate YOU! This means you do one thing that’s worth your attention (as celebrations are). Now, don’t complicate this and think about $$$ and lots of time. Start simply. For example, celebrate that you are a good person. Celebrate that you work hard to make sure everyone else is okay. Celebrate that you get up every morning and do your best whether or not you feel like it. Celebrate that you are a good friend. Celebrate that you are a good mom.

Celebrate YOU!

How?

Here are a few suggestions:

  • Buy yourself some flowers (or pick them from your neighbor’s garden, lol)
  • Put on your favorite outfit and prance around town (who cares if you have not specific place to go. You’ll look good. Jive with the good feeling.)
  • Write down 3 traits you like about yourself (if you struggle with this one, call your friend and ask for help) and read them throughout the day
  • Light some candles and take a bubble bath
  • Sleep in (I promise you the world won’t come to an end and your kids will be just fine)
  • Have that bowl of ice cream with the chocolate topping and enjoy every single bite
  • Dance to your favorite song, naked! (This is what I did because it was THE MOST CHALLENGING but felt THE BEST of all the celebrations)

Mistake #2: You Don’t Think You Are Good Enough

If you already thought you weren’t good enough, divorce will magnify this feeling. “Not good enough” runs the show of our life. Most of the time we are unaware it’s running the show. This subtle thought reminds you that you aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, educated enough, articulate enough, tall enough, funny enough, friendly enough, personal enough, thoughtful enough, firm enough, deserving enough, and on and on and on. These are all lies. All of them! Unfortunately, we believe them and act consistently with this belief. Why then, do we wonder why we don’t experience the happiness, love, success, and peace others seem to have?

Eliminate This Mistake By A Declaration

In order to switch from “not good enough” to “good enough”, you must declare the truth about your duality. The truth is, there exist You and your evil twin. You (your higher self) says you are good enough. Your evil twin (your lower self) says you are an idiot to even believe there is a higher self.

The truth of who you are is YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Yes. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Doesn’t matter what your momma told you, what your daddy told you or even what you ex told you (God knows he was speaking from his own sense of not good enough). You are good enough for anything you desire. You are good enough just as you are, lacking nothing. What you have done is tell yourself a story about not being good enough, and now you live out that story as the main character. Declare you are good enough (fake it for awhile if you must). When you do, you will begin to notice when the evil twin tells you the opposite. Once you can identify the evil twin’s voice, you can replace her words with the truth. This will require a bit of practice. Anything worthwhile will take some time to cultivate.

So, cultivate you!

 

Mistake #1: You Use Your Kids to Punish Your Ex

This is a big one.

Humongous.

Gargantuan.

Your kids (our kids, our future, our hopes, and our dreams) did not ask to go through a divorce. They did not sign-up for the aftermath of this wretched process. They are innocent in all respects. They deserve to be protected and kept ill-informed about your disdain for, disappointment and issues with your ex.

There is only one recommendation appropriate for this mistake:

STOP DOING THIS!

Eliminate This Mistake With A Simple Action

STOP DOING THIS!

Bottom line: when you use your kids to punish your ex, you do irreparable damage to their emotional development and you make yourself become a small, petty person. Going through divorce requires strength and maturity.

There is nothing mature about using your kids.

Period!

Choose at least one of these critical mistakes and commit to eliminating it. Practice the suggested elimination (or one of your own) for 30 days. In 30 days, you will recognize a difference in yourself that I believe you will really like.

And, others will notice too.

Others: “Have you lost weight?”

You: “Yes…from the baggage I was carrying by making 7 critical mistakes.”

Your Ex: Ass or Asset?

Posted by on Aug 20, 2016 in Blog, Confidence, Divorce Recovery, Fulfillment | Comments Off on Your Ex: Ass or Asset?

Your Ex: Ass or Asset?

Ex spouse

You sacrificed your dreams, goals, and happiness for his success, and to better your family life. What he did in return was ignore and belittle your sacrifices while pretending you never really mattered.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

You forgave him for his indiscretion, choosing to minimize rather than make a big deal of it. Forgiving seemed easier than breaking up the family. What he did in return was more acts of indiscretion and blame you: “If you were more attentive, this would never have happened”.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

Although you could have had a glorious career, you stayed home to raise the kids so he could bring home the bacon for you to fry up in a pan. Often, you were too exhausted with the kids to sex him up enthusiastically, but you gave your best anyway. What he gave you in return were comments on not being good enough.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

You are managing on your own, the best you can, still raising your kids. He is obligated to pay child support. What he gives you in return is lip about why you don’t deserve any child support, skipping some payments to fund vacations with his girlfriend.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

You try and teach your teenage son to be a responsible young man who respects women and follows your rules. Your son doesn’t like your rules and calls his dad to complain. What you get from your ex in return is his support for your son, agreeing that your rules are irrational and ridiculous.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

You hold your tongue about his idiotic behavior while in the presence of your kids. You don’t want them to be more damaged than you feel they already are. In return, he tells your kids what a terrible mother you are, always thinking about yourself first and them last.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

You try to have an adult conversation with him about the kids’ holiday plans, hoping to make arrangements that are fair to the two of you while beneficial for them. What he gives you in return are reasons the kids should spend all the holidays with him because you are always an emotional train wreck during the holidays.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

You know you have been the primary caregiver for the kids: doctor, dental, play dates, homework, etc. What he gives you in return is VIP seating in his new play as “Mr. Mom”. You see right through the façade: yet another strategy to drag you back into court to reduce his child support payments.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

When it’s his custody week, you ask him first to take the kids to an event that happens to fall on his day. He says “No!” What he does in return is go over your head to directly invite the kids to a fun weekend at his sister’s daughter’s pool party. Naturally, the kids want to go…How can you say, “No!”?

Yes, your ex is an ass…

When it’s your custody week and the kids want a visit with dad, you allow them, respecting the importance of access to dad for their well-being. What he does in return is forbade the kids from seeing you during his custody time.

Yes, your ex is an ass…

But WHY is your ex an ass…?

Does he just have a hopeless character defect that will NEVER be fixed?

Is he just emotionally messed-up from his upbringing?

Or… are you – unknowingly – attracting ass-like behavior from him because of who you say he is?

Just sit with that question for a moment… ……… ……… ……… ……… ….

Okay, your moment is up.

This may be a hard pill to swallow, but consider this notion:

Who you say someone is, is how that someone shows up in your life. For example, bring to mind now that someone who you say is thoughtful and loving towards you. What is your experience like with that person? How about that someone who you say is funny. What is your experience like with that person? And what about that someone who you say is a good listener. What is your experience like with that person?

Now bring to mind that someone who you say is selfish. What is your experience like with that person? How about that someone who you say is verbally abusive. What is your experience like with that person? And what about that someone who you say never listens. What is your experience like?

Most likely, the experience you have with these “someones” and your response in the relationship with them matches who you say they are.

Your experience with your ex (and others) is based on the Three Laws of Performance articulated in the book by the same name (authors Steve Zaffron and Dave Logan).

SIDE NOTE: Just to be clear, a “law” is not an idea. It is “a statement of fact, deduced from observation to the effect that a particular natural or scientific phenomenon always occurs if certain conditions are present.” A law is neutral, unapologetic, consistent, reliable, and shows no favoritism. Think about the law of gravity in this respect. If you go to the rooftop of any building and jump, you are going to hit the ground. Doesn’t matter if you are a good person or a bad person, rich or poor, right or wrong. The law is impartial!

That first law of performance is expressed as follows:

“How people perform correlates to how situations occur to them.”

What in the heck does this mean and how in the world does it relate to your ex?

Let’s look at this law rewritten for our topic:

“How you interact [with your ex] matches the meaning you give to who he is.

 I know what you’re thinking (‘cuz I had the same thought):

“Oh, so you’re saying I’M THE BLAME for his behavior? It’s MY FAULT he is an ass…?

No…not really.

Most likely, if your ex is an ass…you are not keeping to yourself how he occurs to you. Most likely, you have told and continue to tell family, social media friends, and co-workers what an ass he is. And, honestly you likely communicate with him just like he is…an ass (go back and check your text messages, emails and phone conversations for clues). Few keep to themselves the asinine behaviors of those in our lives and treat them opposite the way we experience them.

What I am saying is that he is an ass because that’s who you say he is to you. He isn’t that way with everyone. He really isn’t.

In other words, ass is the description you have given to his behavior and actions and ass is loaded with meaning. Since ass is the meaning you give to his behavior and actions, he constantly acts that way to you. And, he always will for as long as you label him “ass”.

At all times and under all circumstances, we have the power to transform the quality of our lives. – Werner Erhard

BUT! There is good news. You ready?

YOU have the power to re-describe him. YOU have the pen to re-write your future experience with him.

“Huh?”

I said YOU have the power to re-write your future experience with him!

“Not possible. He is such a pain…” you say.

I hear yah.

However, if you desire to reach for a pain-free, drama-free experience with him, the shift YOU MAKE will make all of the difference.

What does this mean for you?

This means you:

  • are no longer the victim of his behavior
  • don’t have to be all tied up in knots every time you see him or talk to him or receive his text messages
  • are in the driver’s seat choosing whether the interaction with him will be sour or sweet
  • don’t have to focus on the “what has been” and “what is” reality of your experiences with him
  • get to create a new reality that serves you!
  • GET TO BE FREE…free to cultivate a life that makes you feel good, self-confident, and successful no matter what he does (or doesn’t do, or says or doesn’t say)

How do you do this?

Good question.

You do it by invoking the 3rd Law of Performance:

Future-based language transforms how situations occur to people

Let’s look at this law rewritten for our topic:

Declaring a positive future relationship with your ex will dramatically alter your experience with him.

Here are 7 declarative, future-based statements that can transform how your ex occurs to you and therefore transform your experience with him:

  1. I RECALL one reason I married him in the first place and it is________. I LOOK FORWARD to a new reason to stay in good communication with him and it is____________.
  2. I RELEASE him from the expectation that he is responsible for meeting my needs.
  3. I GIVE THANKS that now I am free to ______________ (grow my hair; buy that car; take that course; own my credit, etc.)
  4. I ACKNOWLEDGE he isn’t perfect and neither am I and that imperfection is acceptable in this life.
  5. I GIVE UP blaming him for what he did/did not do, say, provide.
  6. I CALL him “former” spouse now rather than “ex”
  7. I VALUE the opportunity to grow happier, healthier and more self-confident every time I experience my former spouse.

Indeed, your former spouse is not an ass…

He is your ASSET.

Use this asset to create an experience that is productive and live a life that makes you happy.

The Place To Go When Feeling Sorry for Yourself

Posted by on May 3, 2016 in Blog, Fulfillment | Comments Off on The Place To Go When Feeling Sorry for Yourself

If you are like most people, there are times when you are on a roll…a roll of being hard on yourself…a roll of nothing going right…a roll of feeling sorry for yourself. There are times when I’m on this roll. I hop on unintentionally and unexpectedly. And, today was one of those days:

  • “What’s wrong with me that I wasn’t invited to that party?”
  • “I am so fat…if I could just drop 10 pounds…”
  • “Petty Baby-daddy drama is trying to get the best of me.”
  • “My teenager is the most disrespectful child on earth.”
  • “I need more money. What I have now is not enough.”
  • “Where are my friends when I need them?”
  • “This guy really doesn’t like me. He likes some other chick.”
  • “Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going right today. WTF?”
  • and on, and on, and on I go feeling sorry for myself

I can stay on this roll all day long and the results are typical and certain:  I, 1) get next to nothing done; 2) snap at my kids; 3) procrastinate; and, 4) am moody
So, how do I get out of feeling sorry for myself? After all, the reasons to feel sorry for myself are all real and legitimate (at least they are in my mind). The reasons aren’t changing it seems.

The great poet, Rumi, wrote:

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

“…there is a field. I will meet you there.” That field – the place I go when I am feeling sorry for myself is called “Gratitude“. Day by day, moment by moment, Gratitude invites me to the field, to cuddle with her, to listen to her, to share with her. Gratitude listens when I speak and asks that I listen when she speaks. The exchange between us is heart-warming. The moment I step on the field, I feel better immediately.

But, it’s not stepping on the field that’s the hard part; it’s moving from where I am in the feeling-sorry-moment and walking to the field. That’s the hard part. However, the discomfort of feeling sorry for myself and the longing to feel better compel me to go to the field and sit with Gratitude. And when I do – when I get moving from where I am to that field – my outlook turns from inward sadness to outward joy. In the presence of Gratitude, feeling sorry for myself has to leave in order to make space for a new roll that goes like this:

Field

  • Whether invited to a party or not, I’m so much fun to be around 🙂
  • I’m thin enough just as I am
  • My children have a daddy. Thank God!
  • My teenager wants to express himself and is learning how
  • I have a roof over my head and food on my table
  • Friends are a gift that keeps on giving
  • I’m in a league of my own
  • This morning, I awakened to sunshine

I feel so much better. In fact, I feel enlivened and ready to make today a great day!

Works every time.

Whenever you are feeling sorry for yourself, visit Gratitude. She’ll be waiting for you.

Thank you, Gratitude. See you again real soon.

Why You Must Be in Harmony with Yourself

Posted by on Apr 25, 2016 in Blog, Wellness | Comments Off on Why You Must Be in Harmony with Yourself

“Did you know that within you there exists another version of you waiting for permission to be expressed?”

Who is this other version and what is she like, you ask?

Well, who would you like her to be and what would you like her to do?

For example, what if she were calmer, kinder and more creative, efficient, self-confident and spiritual? What if she advised you how to solve your problems and you could ask for this advice anytime on any day…and, your asking would never annoy her?

Know that she exists.

However, KNOWING her is not enough.

BEING IN HARMONY with her is.

“Harmony” has multiple definitions, many of which pertain to musical chords and melody. The definition I found most fitting to this topic is simple and direct:

internal calm


 

 Destined For Greatness-Feel Great

Don’t you feel split within yourself at times…like a storm going on inside?

  • Your mind tells you what you SHOULD NOT be doing while your heart makes you feel guilty you are doing it?

  • You want to feel good about your body, but every time you look in the mirror you pick apart what’s wrong?

  • You desire to love a partner but fearful to open your heart because you have been hurt too often?

How then do you bring internal calm in order to align the best of you with who you are right now?

I offer a technique that has the backing of scientific research: meditation.

Now, before you roll your eyes with – “Been there. Done that. Heard that.” – the form of meditation I reference is an ancient form that is making a big impact in the personal lives of its practitioners. This form is called Transcendental Meditation. The Transcendental Meditation technique “is an effective way for anyone to relieve stress, gain inner peace and promote mind-body health” (www.tm-women.org).

Being in harmony with yourself is the gift that keeps on giving. It is a gift first to you and to others:

  • Improved relationships with those you love

  • Access to emotions that make you feel good

  • Self-confidence because you know who you are not who people think you are

When you are in harmony with yourself, you are attractive and as such, people will interact with you – not as they have in the past but -in new, affirming ways.


For a Pre-Mother’s Day treat, bring yourself and someone special to hear an expert share the virtues of Transcendental Meditation. You’ll also enjoy my story of how learning to practice Transcendental Meditation helped me overcome a very difficult set-back and boosted my self-confidence resulting in publishing my book.

CLICK HERE to reserve your spot and order the book that offers great insight to living a harmonious life.


 

Going Through a Transition?

Posted by on Mar 9, 2016 in Blog, Confidence, Divorce Recovery, Fulfillment, Wellness | Comments Off on Going Through a Transition?

Going Through a Transition?

What do job loss, divorce, an empty nest, and retirement all have in common? Each one of these major life events shakes the foundation we are standing on and leaves us feeling vulnerable and unsure. We cannot change the fact that life ebbs and flows and confronts us with challenging situations, but we can cultivate the strength and resilience to navigate all types of transitions with more confidence and grace and ultimately experience more fulfillment and happiness than we ever imagined possible.

Enroll in this course today and learn the key principles of a resilient life and how to begin implementing them.

Click here to enroll.

 

What It Takes to Be Amazing & Beautiful: 2 Easy Steps

Posted by on Dec 15, 2015 in Blog | Comments Off on What It Takes to Be Amazing & Beautiful: 2 Easy Steps

What It Takes to Be Amazing & Beautiful: 2 Easy Steps

Not too long ago, I attended a wine tasting event.  The offer to attend this event was made by a member of a networking group who could not honor her ticket.  She posted on FaceBook that she would be unable to attend and asked if any one wanted to purchase her ticket.  Immediately, being a wine lover myself, I offered to buy her ticket.  The idea of spending an evening with fun women while tasting great wine and eating great food was an offer I could not refuse.

At the event, I learned about wines and their pairing with certain foods.  For example, Chardonnay is paired nicely sharp cheeses.  Did you know that? (more…)

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